Day 32: With a rebel yell we cried “more, more, more”.

Thursday, August 3rd. We are in Chester, IL.

(Warning! This post contains very silly ideas and generalisms based on a few chance encounters from today. The views expressed here are not held by any of the CCFC riders or affiliates.)

We slowly rose this morning at about 4:30am. We’ve been suffering from the heat, succubus-drivers, and senseless climbing, but now add teenagers as well. For most of the night the local teens were joyriding around the park we slept at yelling and screaming at each other (and us). I personally slept 95% naked on a picnic table without a sleeping bag and somehow came away without any bug bites or attacks in the night. I did cover myself in DEET, but who knows if that stuff really works. Also I slept next to a copy of the Wall Street Journal to repel away the rednecks.

While the weather today is better than it has been in a long time thanks to overcast skies, our danger level has reached an all time high. We were on yellow alert after yesterday’s incidents, but today we upgraded to orange and then finally all-out red alert.

After 50 miles of riding and finishing the Ozarks, we’d gone through a couple of extremely hazardous run-ins with locals. First there were a couple of Great Danes running around in the street outside their residence. They blocked the riders from continuing on their path by barking, snapping, slobbering, humping, peeing, and every method a dog can utilize to slow cyclists. The owners sat and watched in glee and after 10 minutes they called off their dogs, to speak literally. If you aren’t familiar with Great Danes, they’re about four feet tall while on all fours. Quite a beast.

On top of daily vicious dog attacks, something completely unique to Missouri in our experience, drivers continue to not only ignore our presence on the road but commonly push us off or cut in front of us maliciously. At one point a pickup truck driver accelerated in front of us and cut an extremely close right turn into a dirt road and nearly hit John and Ezra. He was laughing the whole time.

This is getting more and more common, and while we are young, haphazard, and feel invincible at our age, we can see when death is imminent. So for the first time, we’re skipping a leg of the ride. We are driving the rest of the way to Chester, abut 60 miles. It will take a couple of trips in the car since there isn’t room for more than a couple riders at once, but again, we’d rather just say “we skipped 60 miles” than be dead. We’re choosing life over pride.

Okay, first, on the bright side of Southern Missouri, we met some nice older folks who I think were passing through and they secretly paid for our Steak ‘n’ Shake lunch (so thank you if you’re reading this!). Also the Steak ‘n’ Shake employees were really nice and understood when I told them we may be writing some negative things about Southern Missouri. Also a church let us hide from potential murders while the support car carried members ahead.

Now for the negativity… I’m beginning to think that making Southern Missouri a landfill, as suggested yesterday, isn’t proper enough. We all agree that we can’t possibly express our level of for dislike for Southern Missouri terrain, weather, and the people living in it. In my opinion, more drastic measures should be taken by the US Government. Here’s the plan:

Stage 1: Allow Southern Missouri to secede from the Union (US). We know they want to secede again because they’ve had 150 years to take down the Confederate flags and replace them with Ol’ Glory, but they have not. Also the ubiquitous Swastika tattoos and cobwebbed Cotton Gins make me think they want to reinstate slavery.

Stage 2: All 13 Southern Missouri citizens who are not neo-Nazis will be relocated to St. Louis. In turn, thousands of other Confederate supporters (e.g. meth-heads, neo-Nazis, etc.) from other states will move to Southern Missouri seeking freedom from non-segregated bathrooms and schoolbuses as well as for tasty Missouri Chicken Fried Steaks.

Stage 3: “Operation Napalm Whipping Boy” begins and Southern Missouri’s Meth problem is cleaned up with judicious carpet bombing. Afterwards, a proper salting of the earth.

No Americans will be harmed. And no extra tax dollars are required to fund another war because the US Gov. will sell its land in MO to foot the bill. Win-win situation, I think. Please write your Congressman or Congresswoman with support.

We’re staying in Illinois, and it’s better than Missouri. More on that tomorrow. Tune in at the same CCFC time, same CCFC place.

Today’s Numbers

Miles cycled: 45
Miles skipped: 50
Flat tire tally: 32
Dog attacks: 4
Dogs larger than CCFC members: 2
Confederate flags passed in 25 miles: 37

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28 Responses to “Day 32: With a rebel yell we cried “more, more, more”.”

  1. Dad Lauterbach Says:

    this is a modest proposal for Missouri compared to some . . . but there are other places in our fair country where the confederate flag still flies and rednecks rule.

    Just be glad you passed through but one . . .

  2. carolyn pierce Says:

    We are proud that our guys know how and when to step over the “road apples.” We consider that 60 mile drive a sign of high intelligence.

  3. Mike NameHidden Says:

    OMFG!!! It is one of those if you have not done it you would not get it things!

    Redneck alert! I remember spending the night in Summersville at their “City Park” among the squalor thinking I was either going to die, or squeal like a pig at some point that night.

    Riding into that town some guy in a pickup even asked me if I wanted a ride in the back while he grinned through his missing teeth. He pulled away and of course a rebel flag bumper sticker adourned his beatup pickup truck. Even his tail pipe look abused.

    Deliverence, not just a movie but a way of life bumper sticker too! Ok, I just made that up:) But, I think a “ride in the back” was redneck code for “ride in the back” if you know what I mean.

    Good luck guys! Be glad you made it out alive!

  4. Br Says:

    Number of parents who think ‘too right’ on Jacob’s estimate of the number of parents who would be upset by the next two blogs: 10

    Good calls made: 1

  5. Vanessa Capener Says:

    Please tell me you are now in ‘safe’ territory and no longer in ‘Deliverance’ country???I would like to sleep tonight!!!!

  6. Jacob Says:

    I’m briefly stopped at a library in Nashville, IL to fill up on water and sooth any worry: Illinois is great and safe. Drivers are waving to us in a friendly manner once again and the locals are helpful. Sleep well, Mrs. Capener.

  7. Ma James Says:

    Your journal really crossed the line this time. Your dad laughed himself sick last night.

  8. Vanessa Capener Says:

    Jacob, I love you!

  9. Jen Says:

    Although most people have posted “concerned” comments in regard to the latest entry… I can’t help but think you guys CAN NOT be cycling enough if you have time to think up all this non-sense. (I do feel sorry for you though… and oxford boys, i’ll make you a cake once you get home)

  10. Mike Tomlinson Says:

    Thanks for the phone call advising us to avoid Missouri. Hopefully with us being some way north we won’t have the same problems although we are not counting on it.

    Jane had her first dog attack today so I guess there won’t be that much difference.

    keep going and enjoy the cycling

  11. Chicago Times Says:

    Siskel says,”two thumbs up. I laughed til I cried”. Roper says,”five stars, I cried til I laughed”. Jabba the Hut grunted “I was moved”.

    Now at a computer near you….Cyclists and the Attack of the So. MO’s

    They thought they had crossed the continental divide, actually they had crossed the curltural divide.

    See cyclists balttle giant dogs from Denmark.

    Experience sectarian violence not seen outside Iraq.

    Cringe as pickup trucks are turned into weapons of mass destruction.

    Hide with our heroes in a church as they await the under ground railroad to ferry them to safety.

    Delight as red necks sputter and melt before the sight of a Wall Street Journal.

    Listen as locals communicate via rebel yells and car horns.

    This and more, more, more until you escape MO, MO, MO

    (Glad you made it to safety Lads)

  12. Patty Michaan Says:

    I’ve heard stories of the south, I guess it’s true……glad you survived it, a good shock treatment will erase all memory of it. keep up the good work and staying alive….

  13. bobby ruch Says:

    c’mon down hair to memphys. we’ll bbq ya.

  14. Trever Says:

    wow more upsetting to see yall make fun of a great state! I hope yall realize that you are the ones segregating yourself…it is a cultural difference but flying a confederate flag doesnt mean you want slavery…yall are the ones that need the education on culture!

  15. bob Says:

    wow this is so gay

  16. April Says:

    I think this site is awsome

  17. Jon Says:

    So let me get this straight. You guys were from CA and England. You hated the weather, the terrain, and the people. You were on bikes in the middle of the summer in the midwest/south and you didn’t think that it was going to be bad. For the most part people probably were laughing at the idiots riding their bikes in 100 degree weather with 100% humidity, I would have been. Second, Southern Mo is a great place. Now it might be the place for you to live it what you think is a cultured world, but don’t judge it based off of what you saw riding your bikes thru the country side. Third, apparently you are liberal and you consider all “rednecks”, country people, and southerners to be uneducated, inbred, hicks with no culture at all. Well on that you are mistaken. CA, as I have lived there, is a bunch of too cool for school, higher than mighty, self-absorbed twits who think that their stuff doesn’t stink. You want Southern Mo is be blown up, check out East LA, Compton, Watts, Inglewood…….and tell me that most of the country’s worst gangs are not located in those cities. At least the people of Southern MO take care of each other and make sure that outsiders like yourselves don’t come back and aren’t welcome because as I have read you aren’t good people. Just FYI, your stuff does stink. Oh and adding the education abbreviations in your bios does not make you better than anyone else. I have some of those same abbreviations and I know you aren’t better than I am and I am from Southeast MO.

  18. Jessica Stone Says:

    You people sound like total dopes. What’s the point? To go on a bike ride, sum up our country with your racist ignorance, and then boast about it on a blog? And you describe Great Danes as vicious? Are you total geeks? Danes are never vicious. Get over yourselves already. If you’re going to do something for a cause, you’re supposed to keep your sights on the cause, not on yourself. How nauseating.

  19. d 9 block Says:

    GIT -R- DONE

  20. d 9 block Says:


  21. Banaam Says:

    “At least the people of Southern MO take care of each other and make sure that outsiders like yourselves don’t come back and aren’t welcome because as I have read you aren’t good people.”

    Sounds about like those signs warning blacks that aren’t from town to get out before sundown.

    GG Jon you pretty much proved the point they were making.

  22. Your Mom Says:

    I love this blog.

  23. SO MO Gal Says:

    Wow. Such animosity toward a wonderful region of the United States in this website. I was googling for a picture of a Great Dane, and your website popped up. Imagine my suprise when I started reading your diatribe toward my home. You were on a bike ride for a good cause, and had to go and spoil it with your comments. Did you not see the beauty of the region. The gorgeous cliffs, unspoiled forests, and clear streams. No you were too busy looking down your noses at the people. I am a retired military person. I have lived all over the world. I have been exposed to some really bad places. I have, and others will always fight to protect your ability to cut others down for a whim. I’m very sorry that you were exposed to some bad people. Personally, my husband and I got robbed at gun point in Fountain Valley, CA in front of our children at a gas station a. Even though there were Neighborhood Watch signs all over the neighborhood do you think anyone came to our help? I think that is worse than a couple of dogs humping your leg.

    I hope your future travels are less noteworthy.

  24. Jacob Says:

    @SO MO Gal

    You know, you’re absolutely right. The So. Missouri region is gorgeous! So much of it was completely unadulterated by humans and just beautiful. From a cycling point of view, difficult to ride – even without the added roadblocks. I’m sure many people have cycled through without encountering any trouble, so until I hear otherwise, I consider our experience of constant threat and intention of harm to be the exception (which, I hope, so was your Fountain Valley experience!). Best -

  25. Katie Says:

    I don’t understand how someone can simply ride through a state (on their bicycle nonetheless) and sum up an entire group of people into the hick category. Yes, I understand you are from CA and England. Good for you. I personally am not from Southern Missouri, but I have a few family members there and have actually taken the time to stay there and it is absolutely beautiful. It’s just unfathomable to me that you can be on a cancer-ride and still be spreading hate by being so judgmental against not only a part of the United States (where people who do have cancer you know, the cause that you’re supposedly riding for), but against an entire group of people. Yeah, real saints you are.
    P.S. Great Danes are the the second most great-natured dogs in the world, so I highly doubt they “attacked” you. Maybe if you were better educated you would know that.

  26. Ang. Says:

    Ouch. I hope you guys will visit the Ozarks again in more open frames of mind. There are a lot of friendly folks around here that would rather not be napalmed (and are too scared to live in St. Louis)!

  27. kevin Says:

    Who ever thinks that Texas will just cut off the pan handle and give it to the scum belly yankees is in for a big surprise. Texas. All of Texas Will never fully become a scumy, bluebelly yankee state!!! Someone needs to apologize for even thinking of Texas in a negative way. Weather it was a joke or not!!!
    May hell come to all who blaspheme against the original confederacy!!!!! Long live the memory of Thoms Johnothan Jackson!!!!!

  28. nima Says:

    please send some dogs picture for me

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